I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
