Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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