In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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