you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
