some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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