I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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