addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
