Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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