i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
