Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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