So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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