I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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