You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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