What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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