yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I wish there were birth control emojis
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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