he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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