I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you never un-have a 4some
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
