I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
