Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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