Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
