last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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