I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How does it feel to date your dad?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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