he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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