Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
