Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
