his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've blown a few things in my day
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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