i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms