I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.