what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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