Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
