I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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