I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
