Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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