i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He shit in the fireplace
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
