That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
