Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
