Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
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he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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