i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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