I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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