epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
