my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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