If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
