If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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