You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
