a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
