My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
