If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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