My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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