We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
