i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You're like the curious george of whores
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
