I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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