Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
