i already hear my dad disowning me
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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