You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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